Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Who Hires These Fucks?

So I picked up the new Queens of the Stone Age today on the way home from my drum lesson (AWESOME CD by the way) and while I was ripping it onto my computer, I read the AMG review that always comes up on my media player when I put in a CD. It was really fucking long and bizarre, not saying much except how Nick Oliveri is, in fact, NOT in the band anymore and this album is apparently incredibly sexy.

Alright, let me point something out right now.

If you are reviewing ANYTHING, be it music, movies, soap, DO NOT just use the first adjectives that pop into your mind, regardless of how utterly useless they are to your reader. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT "SEXY" MUSIC SOUNDS LIKE. And it's not just this album either, a ton of AMG's reviews are at least a little bit 'off.' Check out this one for "Origin of Symmetry" by Muse.

"If you're going to pillage someone else's ideas, then go for broke. Because even if you find yourself crammed between the barriers of creative space, utterly at a loss for ideas, expression, or thought, you'd still have your self-respect buzzing in your ear like a mad angelic insect, putting down his newspaper and taking out his cigar to remind you that, hell, if want to sound like Radiohead when even Thom Yorke doesn't want to sound like Radiohead, you might as well take it to such preposterous, bombastic, over the top levels — church organs, mental electronics, riffs bouncing off each other like the monolithic screams in 2001 — that you'd finally be in position to crack skulls like coconuts and make the world's speakers ooze gooey blood."

CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THE FUCK THAT MEANS?! The REALLY bizarre thing is that although that review doesn't make a damn bit of sense, nor does it sound positive, the CD got a four star rating from the same site. If you're going to write a review, the purpose is not to be as wordy as humanly possible while still saying nothing, the point is to educate the people who have not heard/seen/showered with the product you are discussing. Basically, all the above review tells me is "This CD is weird and I need to get laid."

Fuck you, AMG.


Blogger me said...

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6:12 AM  

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